32

You all astound me.
You reach new highs of lows every now and then
After all the love we shared and the life we lived
You forget me and stop thinking about my demise in less than a week.
Weren’t you supposed to at least still miss me?
To at least remember? And think back to the times when we still chilled?
But Nah! Two days after I go, so do my memories
Wow!

The worst part about death isn’t what it does to you – like what can it do again, you’re already dead, right? – it’s about what it does to others.
They who survive
The rest of us
Just like yours did to us
And because you don’t see me cry –
You not seeing my tears, is all a charade put up to send away pity looks
And to make it less obvious I’m bereaved
But because you don’t see my eyes swollen from crying does not imply my heart doesn’t grieve
Because you left more than a mark in our hearts
You left scars
Which we cannot erase
Or even hope to
And just because my eyes don’t seem wet, does not mean my thoughts are dry
I miss you like an amateur shot
Rest now, rest.

Long Time

Sometimes I wish I had a sister who loved pictures as much as I do, and was just as mean – to others, so we’d take cute selfies all day and make others wish they were our siblings
Other times, I just wish I had a lover. Someone who would adore every part of me like she was my mother, and I’ll lay my head and her belly and she’d play with my hair and we’d talk about things we probably won’t remember the next hour and we’d discuss feelings, and we’d tell ourselves we love ourselves and we’d mean it.
Sometimes I wish I had a life, and wasn’t locked away in a cell in my mind, and wasn’t scared of speaking out my thoughts and didn’t go dumb every time I stood in front of my crush.
You see, I never was alone, but I died slowly of loneliness. I sometimes wish evil on those who never noticed me, but if I were them, I would never have either.

Purpose

What do you do when the one you would do anything for doesn’t deserve anything?
The one person who means everything, never means anything
And you got only one reason to try living, but then again
Your reason for staying alive doesn’t realise that you are
What do you do? What then would be the best course of action?
The right route when you publish love to someone blinded to it
And they leave you.
Just like you left me.
I some times think of how long it took me to make you see me
Yet that’s all you did, see me. You never looked beyond now, and what we could have been in an hour
Your thoughts were always caged and your heart blocked
I never had the key to your mind’s lock
Yet I Houdini’d my way through the bars of your caged ventricles
Only to get under, under heart arrest
And sentenced with four words, “I don’t love you”
Couldn’t you at least try?
Couldn’t you at least see that I was the only one worth loving?
The only one that wanted the best for you?
I concluded, and consoled myself with lies like, “I’m better than you.” “I’m out of your league”
Or my favourite one, “You don’t even like you. That’s why you wouldn’t want to accept your only salvation”
We say a lot of things we don’t mean
I often used to tell myself
Cos each time you said “don’t make me break your heart”
It was already a threat to my health
And I kept up the facade of saying I was heartless
All in a bid to protect the shattered pieces left
But with how good you guarded yours
I should have seen that a heartbreak was what I would have gotten at best
We could have been a couple.
You were my muse, my reason for wanting to try
Now, now, there’s no purpose. There is no purpose.

Ghost

I always contemplated what it felt like to have superpowers.
To be able to float through walls and pass inbetween individuals without being spotted.
Ghosthood has always been my myth.
You provided the perfect opportunity.
With the magnitude of your strength to ignore me, I felt invisible all the time.
And I still do.
When will you ever see me?

Blend

Baby girl, I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I’m in love with you
I really can’t tell
I’m sorry if I ever sounded like a relationship connoisseur. But I’m equally confused.
I really don’t know, but one thing I’m sure of is I want to talk to you all the time
And have weird conversations, and you’d be just mine
And we’d discuss very awkward things like sex and aliens and the economy.
All I know is I never want to not hear you
And be with you, and hear you say you love me
I want to know how your day went
I want to hear all the tiny little details like how your toothbrush kept hurting your gums
And I want to see that perfect smile
And I want to dance with you with no music on.
I know. I’m stingy. I want a lot for myself
But baby, all i really need is you
I’m totally into everything you like
Can you make me one of those?
Can I be the silver to your blue?
I want to be your dream guy
So sleep girl, sleep.
And when you wake, I want to be the first thing your eyes see when they flicker open
I love your after-sleep face, and your morning breath.
Let’s introduce our mouths, let our lips meet
You’ll be my baby and I’ll be “zaddy”
Let’s be goofy together
Let’s be goofy together, girl

Dying Wish

I walk through a dark cemetery looking for whatever it is I was now
My mind raced. This was nighttime. Should I not be on my bed jollying to good sleep?
A thought comes on; “what if…?”
“What if what?” I reply

Why exactly am I scared?

In a flash, I stop fearing death. I become unafraid.
A quote I made when I was younger crosses my head

The day you lose all your fears, be scared. Be very scared. Because at that moment, they no longer are fears; they become threats

I decide to walk back home all the while convincing myself I’m unscared
I tell myself that it’s all just organized gibberish I probably made up when I was bored
I receive a call from an unknown number, I wonder who it is
In a twinkle after I look down at my phone a little longer than I should and see the lights of a trailer – which I suspiciously don’t hear – fastly honking and approaching me,
My senses return, and I seem to see a light approaching me

Is this heaven? No, heaven should be brighter.

My eyelids flutter and my mind stutters.

If this isn’t heaven, then…

Unpretty inaudible words only I seem to hear spill from my voice box as I attribute life to my well-thought thoughts
I consider circumstantial conditions and my imagination unknowingly decides to swing extreme leftist
My head swoons under pressure and my eyes try to focus beyond the approaching light
The striking smell of petrichor coming from inside my head stands outstanding
The realisation volunteers itself into view. I’m having a brainstorm
I scream at the unseen visions that await my partly closed eyes
As the shadow becomes a silhouette
I watch as he approaches; me being immobile at this point
He stares down, a tag is fixed on his left chest reads GRRM
I wonder what it could mean as I struggle to think through the analgised pain
Grim Reaper’s Resident Mortician
Weird name
I get distracted long enough to not feel my soul depart
I only catch a glimpse of it disappearing into the dark
It doesn’t even turn to say goodbye

Mix-mashed Collage Of Goodbyes

Today, I’ve decided to be one step ahead. To, this time, take charge and take control
Mr Rapist, today, I win. You no longer can hear my screams, you no longer can hurt my soul
Today I say goodbye to the pains
And I say hello to goodbye
Hey momma, I’m sorry I left without saying bye. You weren’t picking your phone
Dear crush, can you at least show up for the funeral and pretend we were dating and act like you would miss me?
Mr ex boyfriends, don’t bother
Daniel, I’m sorry I lied. Your song was trash
Eunice, I never had the courage to mention. I love your smile
Dear pills, thank you
Someone help me tell God…don’t bother, I would myself
Williams, hit your best shot. You always made threats to punch my face in, have a field day before it’s too late.
Dear floor, thank you for embracing my body one last time
Anybody close should help me tell the angel of death, whoever they are, I said thank you for this favour. But next time, please take me before my best friend.
Dear Deborah, DeeDee, thank you for the help. The last book you gave me was a guide through this.
I can’t speak to you all directly. Anybody tell my brothers on my behalf, I’m sorry. I really wanted to be everything they could look up to
Hey momma, don’t let Rachel to the funeral so at least I can deny her the chance of looking down on me one last time.
Sophia, why didn’t you return any of my calls? I would miss you
Tania, I hate you. You didn’t have to keep telling me what to live for. You were supposed to be on my side
I hope I see gramps in heaven
Someone tell Favour that if we by chance make it to the same place, can she at least talk to me first this time?
I never was an outstanding student in English class, so I proudly for the last time, embarrass myself with my writing, in my suicide note.

Amusement Parked

I read an old poem I wrote, today. And sometimes when I write poems about people, I show it to them so they read. This poem was about a dead person. You. How do I ever show you my best work? How would I? How couldn’t I? You made me start writing in the first place, and my first piece about you is something you can’t read. I can’t ask you to come back, I’m pretty sure it’s better up there. Yet I can’t but wish you never left. How fair is this?

Friendly Ideas

I feed him with nothing but sad thoughts.
My voice in his mind is soothing and hurtful
I’ve made him familiar with me
He trusts me now

“So who notices?
What if you went missing today?
Who would call your cell if you upped and never returned?
These people you call ‘friends’, when last did anyone do anything for you?
They claim that you all are part of a big large family, but does that truly include you?
You’ve been sad for so long.
You’ve been sad for too long.
How about we see how the other side is like?
You really don’t want to test the peace of the other side?”

I never refer to death as it is.
“The other side” is the perfect euphemistic phrase so he doesn’t see the truth in his proposed action and back out.
I’ve instilled the idea of suicide in him
I’ve been working on this for the past one year
Last week, I took the pain to research out pills that would do the job as quickly as possible
He’ll go get them tomorrow from the store
His story would be he wants to use them for a science project.
Not like he’s not a neurophyscicist and has an ID card of his office at NASA
Ha ha ha ha
One more day.

The Truth

Two people once were in love
But such things never lead anywhere
Because no matter how many poems are written about it
Love is just but the most beautifully well spun lie in humanity
But some lies aren’t purely bad. Some evils are necessary
Where would we all be without a few important deceptive measures?
So live on. Love on. Enjoy the deceit
It’ll lead you nowhere, but at least it’ll lead you.

Beau

You never say you’re sorry.
Last night you left me brokenhearted in a dark place all alone with only the trace of moonlight.
This morning you came around acting like all is fine.
I always forgive you without an apology. It’s not my stupidity. It’s love.
But my love has its weaknesses.
Bola keeps saying he loves me.
Nate bought me a rose bouquet last week.
Chike wants to take me shopping.
Nasir told his best friend that I’m his best friend.
You never tell me you love me. You always assume I should be aware.
You insist I’m lucky to have you.
If I left today, whose luck would you say ran out?
I’ve made myself vulnerable. I’ve showed you my weaknesses.
Yet you hunt me like my past is your playground.
My friends keep saying you’re a mistake.
You’ve never made an effort to prove them wrong.
Should I be sorry I love you?
Do you love you?