Middle School Memories

Last night I read a poem and it was beautiful
And I was jealous. “Why can’t I write this good?”
And it took me back to middle school
When I’d made good grades, but not good enough for my dad
And my mom would ask why I couldn’t be like my cousin
And everyday I struggled to be like Daniel
And everyday, I forgot who I was
Until I finally got a total amnesia concerning myself
I looked in the mirror one morning and wondered who stared back
It wasn’t me. It wasn’t Daniel either
That night I sank in my bed and cried
I had no idea why
My lips felt too big
My nose too flat
My jaw didn’t feel shaped right
I wasn’t tall enough
I wondered what I did to God to make me never just right enough
My best always had a flaw
Last night I wrote a poem and it seemed great
And I thought I finally did something right
But it wasn’t about me
I wrote about my nephew, Andrew
And the more I read it, the more flaws I spotted
I could never show anybody anything I wrote
Why was I never good enough?
Last night I cried myself to sleep
I still don’t know why
And I didn’t want to, as I sunk myself in bed
Last night, I watched my phone die and I envied it
My heart beats an average of 4500 times an hour
And each beat seems to mock me
I could never reach high enough
Why should I even bother?
The last thing I felt good at, was loving
Yet I watched the love of my life skip like an arrhythmia
And she had a certain swagger as she walked off my life
My lungs never fulfill my lone desire of totally collapsing inside my chest
I’ve never contemplated suicide; I wouldn’t be good at it
Or would I?

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