Fidelity

These are the last days, I hope I survive
I got a telescope for my third eye
I can see it coming
You never smile when I call your name anymore
Your lips taste like a broken promise
Your laughter is a perfectly tuned guitar in the hands of a veteran who spontaneously became paralyzed in the limbs while playing
You linger on your phone longer now
And the only thing we get to talk about is whether you’ve eaten or not
Your eyes are two degrees colder
These are the last days, today was crappy
If you ever get a new boyfriend, I hope he make you happy
I hope his laughter tastes like fried chicken
Make you sing lullabies to the moonlight and dance to the tunes of the wind
Get you elated about everything, you’d think “maybe Hollandia yoghurt strawberry flavour doesn’t taste so bad”
I want you happy
So I get to watch the joy drain from your face as the news is delivered to you that he was killed
By your raging ex
Then you get to feel how I’ve felt for the past month
These are the last days, I can fucking feel it coming
My mouth is an Eastside Manhattan graveyard on a cold Thursday morning
My words are eulogies to a dead feeling
These hands, these hands only want to hold yours
But when I stretch them to touch you, I only feel a brick wall between us
My voice lost its lilt. Your name suddenly isn’t so exciting to call
These legs are weary from running after you this long
These are the last days, I know you can feel it too
So why don’t you seem bothered at all?
Did you find another life after us already?
Why aren’t you picking up my calls?

Socratic Method 


Who made you judge over the rest of us?
‘Cos your body now lies lower than your self esteem doesn’t make you perfect
Don’t leave me your suicide note
Don’t dare think I’ll wish I treated you better
That my eyes would bleed reasons why you should have lived
My mouth would speak colours to your grey wet grave
That my skin turns a magician and tricks me into feeling worse
You gave up on me, on all of us
Don’t leave me your suicide note
No, I won’t forgive you for taking your life
Your heart beat was my favourite song
You are the reason I no longer put on a head phone
You were selfish all your life
And even in death, you cared about no one else
Fuck you. Don’t rest in peace
De rien ne vient rien
My arteries carry hatred and anger flows through my heart
Your soul was a raging inferno, a blanket of emotions
I hope the ground is made of ice.

Poison

Today I laid and thought what it would be like at my funeral
And I know it’s completely arbitrary. Everyone has had those thoughts, right?
And it occurred to me, I’m arbitrary
I’ve never really touched anyone
Of course, there’ll be a bunch of people there saying a few nice things
My classmates, a few teachers, colleagues from school
One or two girls I once flirted with
My high school friends, my girlfriend
My ex girlfriend…
There would be more females there
They’ll say how nice I was on the inside
How my laughter was like 7 am sunrise,
Soothing
I always wanted everybody to be happy
They’ll tell of how smart I was
And didn’t like being lost in the crowd
Esther would mention how she adored my writings
Pat would tell you how good a kisser I was
Ann would not rest on how caring I could be even though I hated showing it
They’ll all lie
They’ll mention how much of a happy person I was
Nobody would say how I was boring
Or didn’t like people
That I felt empty on the inside

Or that I was a gas station with a fire leak, two seconds away from blowing up
How I was stolid, if we’re being nice, but anhedonic in reality
Gift would say how I was the best guy she ever dated
If only Temi was alive, she’d say how much she learnt from me
Iye would be so depressed, she’d cry through the whole procession unable to utter a word
Nehemiah would say I was a great friend. He’d wipe a man tear
They’d all lie
My brothers would cry after a day or two
They’d miss me, even though all my life, all our lives, all I did was stay away from them
Joy would wish she talked with me more
But Shugie, she would never shed a tear. She’d know it’s all a lie
She’d tell everyone I’m alive and it’s all a prank
She wouldn’t care that my body was there, cold in a casket

She would swear I’m smart enough to pull something like that off
She would break down after a week
Keep away from everybody. Cry herself to sleep
And cry back to sleeplessness
There’d be regret in her tears. “Only if…”
She’d slim down. She knows how much I hate her being hungry, but she wouldn’t care
Nothing would numb it down
She would date again, after two years
Every six weeks, she’d see someone driving a Rav4 Toyota SUV, or someone with my haircut, and she’d break down again
Nothing will ever console her. No one will
Or at least, that’s what I choose to believe
Knowing someone would grieve me
Maybe having the thoughts that I’ve touched someone’s life would make death not so bad afterall
Maybe suicide isn’t so bad afterall

Damned If You Do

There are two ways you could love a person
You could either see everything they do as perfect
Think their feet touch the clouds
And their tongue is a rose plantation
Or you could see them in all their unworthiness
In all the bumps on their skin
And the bowing of their heart, and uncouth court
Each morning she woke up, her eyelids were a broken collarbone
A 6 ton dead meat covered with iron fillings
She never remembered her dreams, or tried to
Because her sleep was not a solace,
It was not an escape from the madness of this one direction
It was the armaggedon. The apocalypse
That which you would do the most to avoid
Yet each night she pound the nails through her flesh,
As she pulled her hair out with bloodied fingers in a bid to avoid the night terrors in her sleep,
She, like David’s biggest adversary,
Like the season before winter,
Would fall. Not rising till the sun had sprang from its abstruse home
Like it mocked her inability to leave her bed
She was promiscuous
And not just with men, but with dreams
She wanted everybody else’s, yet could never handle them all
She hated her skin tone. The blisters she called flesh
Her uneven melanin distribution
She was a time bomb, and you could hear the tic tic, as she rolled by
She, in her head, was everything nobody wanted
I knew of every one of her demons
Yet I put my heart in her unsteady palms
She saw me as perfect
As her saviour
How wrong she couldn’t have been
I was one of her demons
But I loved all her imperfections
I wanted to, if we could ever survive, go through hell
Together.

Maternity

There are only two ways to deal with things
I’m a master of only one
I learnt from my dad
And that’s to leave
The first time I told a girl “I love you”
It was a moonlit night
A cloudless starless summer sky hovered above
It was over the phone. By text
I could never muster up the courage to say it in person
She told me she loved me back, as expected
And that night, she lost the zing I thought she had
She no longer seemed interesting
I started plotting our breakup
I watched my bestfriend’s dad leave his mum
I swore I’d never let anybody leave me
So I made up my mind to always leave first
My ex girlfriend took me by surprise
I fell in love with her
But maybe she was better off with someone else
Or at least, that’s what she said
Life comes at you fast
I always tried to be in control, till I lost it
One day you’re developing pictures in the dark room,
The next day, you wake up in the dark
My mom never taught me how to get over heartbreaks
So I never got over the last one
Till I found you
Sitting there in the pews,
Like the last lullaby a mom sings for her child before she sees him as too grown to be sung bedtime songs
Your eyes told a story
Your lips quavered, but you never spoke
The first time I said hello,
I could almost taste the silence
You looked lost, and I hoped it was me you were looking for
Your smile is an art masterpiece
I love when you become a Michelangelo 15th century fresco whenever our eyes meet
Or our lips speak
I sometimes imagine what it’d be like, being a child again
Your kisses are my solace when I get depressed
And I get depressed a lot
On purpose
Come kiss me one more time
So I can taste heaven
And what being healed feels like
Again